Light Rain, 61°F

Conestoga Township, PA, USA

I know you’ll get to me when you can. That’s the hardest part, trusting that people will actually keep in touch. I don’t fear that from you. I don’t fear that from Harley. I agree with your assessment that I need to build individual relationships. But my fear is that the importance of that won’t be mutual. Plus, what is going on in the group that I can’t know about. How much am I missing? What decisions am I being excluded from? I’m trying to stay well, but I have these fears. They are trust issues. It’s not that I lack trust in most of you, per se, but I lack trust that anyone will speak for me. I can accept being excluded from the group as long as I have a voice, someone who is thinking of me. It’s ironic that you mentioned me staying out of the group (hurt a lot) but I expected that reaction (even though I feared it). I was asking Stehman in the hospital if he’d ask, by vote, if any of you wanted me back. Now my question is whether I’m being recommended to stay away for my own protection, for the members’ protection, both, or simple banishment. You, Stehman, Mel have all individually and independently said that I haven’t destroyed anything, that you all still love me. I don’t doubt that. But I’ve never been good with exclusion, one of my triggers. I want to trust that Stehman would be my voice, but I don’t, since he’s mostly non-participatory. I could ask you, but that could conflict with your other loyalties. So, you see. This is all my fears come to life. Again, I like the idea of building relationships independently. It solves the competitiveness that I can’t seem to help having, and the jealousy. But at the same time, I feel like everyone, in the group, is having fun, getting closer, making plans (even those that may effect me), and so on. Without me. And if I am ever welcomed back, that’s just the farther down in the pecking order that I’m in. It all goes back to importance. Stehman doesn’t understand love so is currently incapable of showing me importance, though he deserves credit for trying. Becci will always put her kids first, completely understandable and genetically hard wired, but after that who’s next? Me, her twin, from a life more important to me than to her? Or her "wifey" Mel, or her new found "hubby" Joe. With Mel, she has Joe, and her kids, and not much else, maybe also Becci, probably. Joe has himself, his kids, Mel, then Becci. No room there. Harley is currently an unknown, I certainly feel a bond and common interests with her, but someone else will just nullify my bond with her. Just like the above. I should be happy that they’re all getting along, and more that I brought them together. But that happiness and pride of accomplishment has withered to emptiness, loneliness and abandonment. My purpose has been fulfilled, I’m all used up. Now my presence is just an annoyance at best, and downright enraging at worst. I’ve considered just leaving, extricating myself from the situation, but then I’m told that I’d be missed, that I am loved, I am wanted, I do have purpose. So what is it? Am I used or am I wanted? I keep feeling like I’m getting mixed messages. And either way, I’m wrong. I’m even wrong for questioning. I’m even wrong when I’m right. And worst of all, I’m not ready. Doesn’t anyone else question to understand? How is that showing a lack of readiness? Is it possible that it might need to be put into pertinent terms rather than the terms that the author feels is best? So far, as I know, Becci is the only one who never gave up on me. Even when I had trouble accepting the "truth" that I wasn’t previously ready to accept. She kept asking, periodically, changing the phrasing, changing the reference. But she never gave up on me. I don’t know what more to say other than to present this to those that ARE READY. And to point out that some simply aren’t ready to hear my truth. I can’t always be the one who’s wrong. I can’t always be the petulant child. Not because I refuse, but because I do know things that they don’t. I do have knowledge that THEY’RE NOT READY FOR. I wonder how they’ll feel when the shoe is on the other foot? It doesn’t feel good when you’re proven to be a hypocrite, and worse when you’re presented with irrefutable evidence that puts your own accountability in question. The Feather of Ma’at judges all, Pharaoh and Commoner alike. Those who fail are cursed to have their souls devoured.

Powered by Journey Diary.

Diamond in Alchemy

Diamond is a powerful symbol that the alchemists have associated with refracting light. The shine and sparkle of the diamond is representative of vision, clarity, awareness, understanding and keen perception. As such, it denotes the journey that the human soul takes in the pursuit of the divine truth and attainment of higher enlightenment. The facets and angles of the diamond symbolize that this journey will involve walking along a labyrinth-like path that has a number of twists and turns. Everyone living with honorable intents will succeed in achieving the light or knowledge they seek.

Clear Sky, 61°F

Pequea Township, PA, USA

Why do I piss people off. Why do I kill the mood. Why do I see problems when there are none. Why do I get this angry/anxious. Why do I just destroy everything. Whenever something good happens I always seem destroy it. When people show that they care, I just think they’re being shallow and don’t really mean it.

Powered by Journey Diary.

Fog, 38°F

Home Actual, Stehman-Schenck Farmstead, Conestoga Township, Lancaster, PA, US

I just finished watching the movie "Arrival." I’m reticent to declare anything as truly life changing; or more accurately, paradigm shifting. Not in the sense of changing my mind but rather confirming and verifying, but yet adding to and enhancing what’s in my mind. Like adding an additional perspective…

I was going to say "layer" but my beautiful word prediction/spell correction keyboard (Thank You SwiftKey!) predicted that I meant to use "perspective" and that was far more accurate to what I was thinking. And I needed to add that aside because of how remarkable that it was. And writing this, I realized that that same feeling of remarkable-ness is exactly the same feeling that I feel for this entire entry. That spark of sudden awareness, like when I awakened.

Powered by Journey Diary.

Counterproductive?!?! That’s like saying that the Bubonic Plague only killed a few people!

This is infuriating. It’s bad enough that the only financial aid that any American students can get are in the form of loans. And that it’s been proven that one of the greatest debt burdens of most Americans is student LOAN debt. But now these asshole states are going to prevent these graduates from getting or maintaining licensure if they fall behind in their loan payments. Many of these professions are also in critical shortage across the country. So FUCK YOU Texas and the rest of the states that think this is a brilliant idea. I hope you enjoy record level underemployment and importing people to fill these jobs, from other countries, just because they don’t have any American educational debt. Just keep cutting off your nose to spite your face. How well did Texas do when it was an independent republic anyway?

A Post from: “Bloodstained Men and their Friends” on Facebook
The American Academy of Pediatrics has betrayed our nation and sacrificed our sons to an ancient religious superstition. American doctors have no plans to stop injuring baby boys. They don’t tell parents that 80% of the world’s men live healthy lives with normal intact bodies. More American parents are following the advice of the European medical community, which has condemned American doctors for circumcising baby boys. The Royal Dutch Medical Association reports: “International physicians protest against American Academy of Pediatrics’ policy on infant male circumcision. Circumcision conflicts with children’s rights and doctors’ oath and can have serious long-term consequences, state an international group of 38 physicians from 16 European countries in Pediatrics today.”

Article: 11 Plants For Your Bedroom To Help You Sleep Better

Great Article. Of note: All plants inhale Carbon Dioxide and exhale Oxygen, hence the concern about deforestation. Also, Valerian is far more than just an ancient remedy for sleeplessness; its active chemical (Valeric Acid) has been synthesized into a vital drug to treat Epilepsy and Bipolar disorders. Just some fun facts. 

Clear Sky, 37°F

20 Roselle Ave, Lancaster, PA 17603, USA

As written to Stehman after waking from this dream:

"We were in Europe somewhere. It felt like Germany, but everything was in English and everyone spoke perfect American English, no accent. Except for a boy that I was talking to about cell plans, specifically T-Mobile, MetroPCS, Sprint and Boost. He had an accent that could have been Italian. He was very excited about what I was telling him. But I remember panicking in my head because I was really trying to find you. We were together in the very beginning, it was at a shopping center, of sorts, that we were walking to for a reason. Before I started talking to the boy, we had gotten separated. I hadn’t resorted to using my phone yet. I just searched. After getting to the shopping center, and pointing out the store fronts for the carriers, the boy left. He was on his way to school. All those store fronts were on one side in a strip, and on the opposing side was the store we intended to go to. I went in and the store sold all kinds of things for a house like appliances and cabinets and such. No one greeted me, everyone was busy with someone and I remembered hearing everyone speaking English with German accents. I specifically remember hearing women’s voices. I went outside after not seeing or hearing you and was walking around. Then I saw a small crowd of men, all around our age. At first I paid them no mind, until I noticed that you were in the center, about to sit against the half wall there. Your back was to the strip with the cell carriers and off to the side of the front of the other store. I started to listen in and noticed that you knew most of them and they were all admirers. They were flirting with you and you were just ignoring the flirting but still carrying on friendly and familiar conversations with at least the one guy. You knew him especially well, like you previously dated but broke up and he still had feelings for you. You weren’t at all uncomfortable and was just poking fun of him, sarcastically telling him why you broke up. He actually looked significantly younger than us. I remember thinking that these men were more like an entourage for you, and that you acted like you were where you were meant to be. That anything having to do with me was non existent in your mind. After the ex started acting possessive of you and talking of sex, I stepped in and was poking you in the back as you were bending over to sit. He started saying something like that you were his and who the hell was I to talk to or even touch you. I got angry and repeated the same thing back to him stating that I was your fiancé. He looked at me confused and once you sat you rolled your eyes and confirmed that I was your fiancé. I remember feeling like my presence, and even existence was a huge annoyance to you and that you only "loved" me because you were trapped. Then I remember the ex getting into an argument with me about how I had no right to be angry or to yell at you and that you were entitled to your own feelings and thoughts, you were backing him up and agreeing, and so was the rest of the entourage. I remember at first yelling then loudly but calmly defending your right to have your own feelings and thoughts, in agreement, and stating that I wasn’t questioning that at all. The ex then countered that I was trying to make you think and feel the way I wanted. I defended that I was not doing such and reiterated that I not only believe but insist that you have your own thoughts and feelings and that I respect that. That I was merely expressing my own feelings and was yelling because I was upset and that I had a right to be upset. But the ex kept saying that I had no right to be upset and no matter what defense I had it fell on deaf ears. I remember feeling like you really just wanted me gone, even though you did push the ex away, not wanting him either. I remember me yelling that you would consider having sex with the ex but wouldn’t touch me, and I am your partner. And you getting mad and yelling back that you’ve never been with anyone and that you didn’t want anyone touching you. (That last part should be at the beginning). Then I woke up in a panic."

Powered by Journey Diary.

I’m a Writer

There comes a point in your life when you need to stop reading other people’s books and write your own.

I desperately want to do this. I’ve wanted to write for quite some time now. I know that I have a talent for writing, I recognize it as my art. I believe everyone has an art, so to say. By this, I mean that everyone has their own unique talent to express themselves creatively. But I don’t limit this to the traditional fine arts. One can just as easily express themselves, creatively, through any field that they have a passion and talent for. Mathematics, Scientific Research, Commentary… anything really. It doesn’t have to be restricted to the “fine arts.” I guess that this is, in some way, an extension of the Theory of Multiple Intelligences, at least in my own interpretation. I say this because the Theory of Multiple Intelligences obliterates, rightfully so, the traditional view of what it means to be intelligent. It points out the limitedness and discriminatory bias of the traditional definition of intelligence. It points out that there are far more diverse ways that one can express intelligence, well beyond what is traditionally regarded as intelligence. I find that this expansive and holistic view of intelligence, by extension, can also be applied to how one defines creative expression. It shows that the idea of restriction, vis à vis the definition of intelligence, is not only flawed, but also unfairly exclusive. That what it means to be intelligent is far more expansive than traditionally defined. It also promotes a more all-encompassing and complete definition of what is valued in terms of intelligence. That the traditional definition of intelligence is incomplete at best and woefully harmful at worst. As such, since multiple intelligences expands the definition of intelligence beyond the traditional, regarding aptitude in Mathematics, Logic, and Linguistic Prowess, to include aptitudes in such fields as Kinesthetics, Artistic Prowess, Creative Expression, Empathy and Communication Skills; I feel it’s only logical to do the opposite. To expand the definition of what it means to be creative, to define artistic expression, to include Mathematics, Logic and Linguistic Prowess as well. And hence, ones art can be in any field that one is passionate and skilled in.

Powered by Journey Diary.