Few Clouds, 86°F
A message to my Dom, never sent:
I feel this way whenever I’m around my family. Insignificant, non existent, not worth any effort. Living almost 100 miles away doesn’t help, but again no effort made. I recognize that most of this is in my head. But no understanding of the difficulties I face just being around anyone because of my messed up head. No visible effort made to show understanding or even sympathy, just that I’m doing it to myself (I know I am) and that I just shouldn’t do it. That I should just get over it and that I bring it upon myself, that it’s just my fault. And no recognition of their contribution to it, or taking it as an offense if or when I try to bring it up. Even though I do forgive them, but also can’t just ignore it or move on, mainly because any time I feel some way, that is abnormal, I’m reminded of why I have these abnormal thoughts and feelings and what contributed to my very warped mind. I don’t know why I feel like I should share this with you or even if I should. But earlier you commented that I’ve never been able to get it all out. You’re right, I never have been. All my life I’ve been suppressed, that how I feel or what I think is wrong so therefore it isn’t valid. That I’m devalued. That my feelings, thoughts, opinions are not worth anything. Any time I do try to get it all out, so to say, I’m told to stop crying about it and to move on. So, I tell you this because this is why I apologize for everything, even things done by others that I had no part of. And this is why it’s so easy to be submissive and minimized and objectified, because I always have been forced into that role. Except from my closest friends, whom I consider my true family, because they are the ones who treat me like family and actually consider me as valuable. But a lot of that is also my perception and I also acknowledge that. Problem is how do I stop this blatant misperception and start to develop resilience and self-assuredness?
I meant to write this sooner, but I have begun to feel marginally closer to my siblings. Maybe I feel at a disadvantage because they know me better than I expected but I feel that I don’t totally know them. But mom has helped me learn more about the distance I get from them. Because they defended me and kept me isolated from all the homophobia, that should have been directed to me, they intercepted. But I never knew, and yet still they resent me for it. I’m at a loss. While I’m extremely grateful and want to cry out of happiness, because it is evidence that they love me and care about me. But at the same time, how right is it to be resented for something that I not only didn’t request but also had no knowledge of. Yet talking about the past, especially in terms of me, is all but forbidden. Which is anathema to me individually. I want to solve problems and to communicate, not to bury them and become diseased from the resentment. Plus, again, do I really deserve that vitriol, is this something that they have a right to hold against me when I had absolutely no knowledge of. I was completely oblivious until I was told, out of anger, years later. Everything seems stacked against me.