Clear Sky, 62°F

Conestoga Township, PA, USA

As posted to FB Group "Bipolar, BPD, and MH Safe Haven"

ok, so I’ve been a member for a while and haven’t really been active. But I’m having some trouble. I’ve distanced myself from my family of blood. My siblings abused me, resent me for having protected me, without any of my knowledge or request, for being gay. And still resent me for it yet refuse to talk about it. Am I wrong to be unwilling to just forget? To me one can only forgive after discussion and deliberation, once each other is understood. Forgiveness can’t be given arbitrarily, in my beliefs. And to forget is even more impossible for me. That’s akin to acting like nothing ever happened, especially when something did. I was traumatized for life and they most likely are the reasons why my Bipolar Depression and Panic Disorder came into being. I already had the genetic predisposition. My mom also apparently always knew this also. Which adds a significant impact on my relationship with her. Especially since I’m far closer with my mom, especially as an adult, than I’ve ever been with my siblings. According to them, I’m trying too hard. WTF! But that’s not the actual reason why I’m posting.

As a result of me finally realizing that my childhood wasn’t simply abusive, but that I was in fact abused, and identifying the primary culprits as my siblings, not my mom as previously thought, I’ve replaced them in my life. I’ve replaced my whole family actually, but they exist in parallel since I refuse to disown my family of blood. I’ve always felt that that’s the cowardly way of doing things, much like forgetting arbitrarily. But the two I’ve deemed closest, also feel a mutual bond with me. One complication is that they’ve become romantically involved. I regard them as each my twin sister and my brother. But they don’t regard each other as siblings, quite obviously. But with them living together now, and 400 miles away (they’re in Connecticut, I’m in Pennsylvania), I’ve started feeling increasingly isolated from them. I know that my feelings run deeper than theirs, no matter how much that hurts me and I wish it wasn’t true. But I think part of that is as a consequence of my Bipolar disorder. We naturally feel all emotions more deeply and more extremely. They could never feel as deeply as I can. Maybe that’s not just a curse, but also a blessing to having this disorder. We feel more deeply than those who don’t have Bipolar or any other mood disorder. But I also fear that they’re more important to me than I am to them. That hurts more. The depth of emotion can’t be helped, it just is. But the assignment of importance, that’s a whole nother matter entirely. Anyway, my twin is not much different in thinking than I am, except that she doesn’t have Bipolar, or Panic Attacks. She has insanely more resilience than me, probably why she has no mood disorder and why mine are so severe. My biggest issue is that she feels ignored, including by me, which has had its own consequences, led me the closest that I’ve ever been to suicide, that day I was virtually catatonic. I felt like a zombie. I felt immune to any emotion other than dispair. Even all of their love, or declarations of it only prompted me to dismiss them as that they were only saying that they loved me out of guilt. It was only once I saw the sheer fear and longing in my Partner’s face and eyes that I started snapping out of it. But she’s been very short tempered lately, since she’s very overwhelmed at home, but the constant screaming just triggers my past childhood traumas. And the one I regard as my brother is a newer addition, so to say. But the difference is that he does have his own psychiatric issues that have only recently been noticed. But what hurts with him is that he’s a severe introvert, can almost never get him on the phone, almost always will only talk through text, and even then, gets upset with me when I’m too clingy, that just triggers my memories of how my blood siblings treated and still treat me. Even worse, they both have gotten into the habit of accusing me of making everything about me. Just because I want to speak about how I’m feeling. Am I wrong? I feel like I need to walk on eggshells with them, just like my blood, but in the same respect, I feel like they are with me also, they deny it, which just pisses me off more. But I fear that they don’t know me anymore, they just know that I’m sensitive and either fear triggering me or downright don’t care if they trigger me. I find myself seeing my blood siblings in them. I don’t want that. I would feel like a failure. I just wish that they would try to see things as I do, to feel as I do, to think as I do. I just want them to accept me for who I am, all of me, no reservations, no exceptions.

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Broken Clouds, 70°F

Home Actual, Stehman-Schenck Farmstead, Conestoga Township, Lancaster, PA, US

Speaking to Donna on Facebook Messenger:

I’ve just been thinking that Stehman’s parents don’t personally like me. And especially since Phil (Stehman’s brother, the younger of the two) has gotten married. Yet originally, Nikki was awesome and really did a lot to bring the whole family back together. She’s the reason why I felt comfortable referring to Stehman’s parents as Mom and Dad. They always seem to respond better to it when I refer you them like that. But ever since Charlottesville and the fucking blow up that happened with Phil, Nikki and her best friend Karl, which was for the most part 3:1. I just feel more distant. I probably just need to talk to Nikki in private. I’ve always felt closer to her and to a lesser extent, Mom. Even though I asked Nikki if we were OK, her and I. And she said we were OK. But just something about how she wrote it made me doubt her words. But the four of them are doing stuff together. And that in itself doesn’t bother me, but the blatant favoritism (even if it is unintended) really angers me, and hurts, and makes me extremely jealous. But the anger isn’t about how I feel, it’s proxy for my defense of Stehman. He doesn’t even notice. There is so much about his family that I just don’t understand, that is just so alien and anathema to me and my family, or even to my upbringing. And so many assumptions. Too little effort. Too little communication. Part of the reason why Nikki has been such an awesome addition. And it hasn’t been for a lack of some effort on my part. I’ve asked and asked if they want help doing something or another and either they’re already done or say that they don’t need help. I always then ask that if they need help to ask me and that if it was something specific to just grab me. I’ve asked mom multiple times if she could teach me canning and she’s so far done a few projects but never a word to me. And I asked dad, maybe a year or two after I moved in, if he would teach me to use a gun. He looked at me suspiciously and asked why. My only response was that I’ve always wanted to learn. That wasn’t good even. Though after Sandy Hook, I told both mon and dad that due to my mental illness I am voluntarily avoiding any firearms. I told dad that I don’t want to know where any of his guns are and if he could keep them locked up. He said that he wouldn’t tell me anyway… (added later outside the conversation) But this is an issue I’ve had time and time again. People having expectations of me but never telling me what they are or how they want is, assuming that their way is the only possible way to do things and every other way is wrong. And in addition to said expectations, it’s expected that if a project needs done that I should just immediately drop everything and contribute, but that’s not how my mind works. If someone is doing a project then I don’t want to interfere with their project unless they ask me for help, which never happens. It’s just expected to jump right in, that I should know when and that the help is needed. And the phrase that sums it all up is, "I shouldn’t have to ask!" My response, in my head is that that assumption, and it is an assumption, isn’t how everyone functions and to believe so is simply selfish and narrow-minded. Of course I can never say this because it would either jeopardize my livelihood or my housing. So my anger, worry, panic, paranoia grows. While their mind becomes set that I am a certain way that has no, or little, truth to how and who I am. And rather than communicate or question or think that maybe all people don’t think the same, regardless of how many do. They set this misconception in stone and their resentment fester and grows all based upon a one dimensional assumption and misconception. The whole person is judged by a single negative act that may have a perfectly reasonable cause.

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