Light Rain, 61°F

Conestoga Township, PA, USA

I know you’ll get to me when you can. That’s the hardest part, trusting that people will actually keep in touch. I don’t fear that from you. I don’t fear that from Harley. I agree with your assessment that I need to build individual relationships. But my fear is that the importance of that won’t be mutual. Plus, what is going on in the group that I can’t know about. How much am I missing? What decisions am I being excluded from? I’m trying to stay well, but I have these fears. They are trust issues. It’s not that I lack trust in most of you, per se, but I lack trust that anyone will speak for me. I can accept being excluded from the group as long as I have a voice, someone who is thinking of me. It’s ironic that you mentioned me staying out of the group (hurt a lot) but I expected that reaction (even though I feared it). I was asking Stehman in the hospital if he’d ask, by vote, if any of you wanted me back. Now my question is whether I’m being recommended to stay away for my own protection, for the members’ protection, both, or simple banishment. You, Stehman, Mel have all individually and independently said that I haven’t destroyed anything, that you all still love me. I don’t doubt that. But I’ve never been good with exclusion, one of my triggers. I want to trust that Stehman would be my voice, but I don’t, since he’s mostly non-participatory. I could ask you, but that could conflict with your other loyalties. So, you see. This is all my fears come to life. Again, I like the idea of building relationships independently. It solves the competitiveness that I can’t seem to help having, and the jealousy. But at the same time, I feel like everyone, in the group, is having fun, getting closer, making plans (even those that may effect me), and so on. Without me. And if I am ever welcomed back, that’s just the farther down in the pecking order that I’m in. It all goes back to importance. Stehman doesn’t understand love so is currently incapable of showing me importance, though he deserves credit for trying. Becci will always put her kids first, completely understandable and genetically hard wired, but after that who’s next? Me, her twin, from a life more important to me than to her? Or her "wifey" Mel, or her new found "hubby" Joe. With Mel, she has Joe, and her kids, and not much else, maybe also Becci, probably. Joe has himself, his kids, Mel, then Becci. No room there. Harley is currently an unknown, I certainly feel a bond and common interests with her, but someone else will just nullify my bond with her. Just like the above. I should be happy that they’re all getting along, and more that I brought them together. But that happiness and pride of accomplishment has withered to emptiness, loneliness and abandonment. My purpose has been fulfilled, I’m all used up. Now my presence is just an annoyance at best, and downright enraging at worst. I’ve considered just leaving, extricating myself from the situation, but then I’m told that I’d be missed, that I am loved, I am wanted, I do have purpose. So what is it? Am I used or am I wanted? I keep feeling like I’m getting mixed messages. And either way, I’m wrong. I’m even wrong for questioning. I’m even wrong when I’m right. And worst of all, I’m not ready. Doesn’t anyone else question to understand? How is that showing a lack of readiness? Is it possible that it might need to be put into pertinent terms rather than the terms that the author feels is best? So far, as I know, Becci is the only one who never gave up on me. Even when I had trouble accepting the "truth" that I wasn’t previously ready to accept. She kept asking, periodically, changing the phrasing, changing the reference. But she never gave up on me. I don’t know what more to say other than to present this to those that ARE READY. And to point out that some simply aren’t ready to hear my truth. I can’t always be the one who’s wrong. I can’t always be the petulant child. Not because I refuse, but because I do know things that they don’t. I do have knowledge that THEY’RE NOT READY FOR. I wonder how they’ll feel when the shoe is on the other foot? It doesn’t feel good when you’re proven to be a hypocrite, and worse when you’re presented with irrefutable evidence that puts your own accountability in question. The Feather of Ma’at judges all, Pharaoh and Commoner alike. Those who fail are cursed to have their souls devoured.

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Fog, 38°F

Home Actual, Stehman-Schenck Farmstead, Conestoga Township, Lancaster, PA, US

I just finished watching the movie "Arrival." I’m reticent to declare anything as truly life changing; or more accurately, paradigm shifting. Not in the sense of changing my mind but rather confirming and verifying, but yet adding to and enhancing what’s in my mind. Like adding an additional perspective…

I was going to say "layer" but my beautiful word prediction/spell correction keyboard (Thank You SwiftKey!) predicted that I meant to use "perspective" and that was far more accurate to what I was thinking. And I needed to add that aside because of how remarkable that it was. And writing this, I realized that that same feeling of remarkable-ness is exactly the same feeling that I feel for this entire entry. That spark of sudden awareness, like when I awakened.

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