Matthew Shepard Memoriam

20 years ago today and 6 days prior, a deplorable act was committed. An act of hatred, of bigotry, and of ignorance. Matthew Shepard was beaten, tortured, gun-whipped, robbed, and left for dead. He was tied to a fence in a desolate field near freezing temperatures. His skull was fractured and face was covered in blood except from where his tears washed that blood away. 18 hours after the attack (I can’t think of harsher words), Matt fell into a coma. He wasn’t discovered until 6 days later on October 12th, 1998. Even then it was by chance that he was found by a cyclist who initially thought that Matt was a scarecrow. Luckily, when police found him, he was still alive.
“Shepard was transported first to Ivinson Memorial Hospital in Laramie before being moved to the more advanced trauma ward at Poudre Valley Hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. He had suffered fractures to the back of his head and in front of his right ear. He experienced severe brainstem damage, which affected his body’s ability to regulate his heart rate, body temperature, and other vital functions. There were also about a dozen small lacerations around his head, face, and neck. His injuries were deemed too severe for doctors to operate. Shepard never regained consciousness and remained on full life support. While he lay in intensive care and in the days following the attack, candlelight vigils were held around the world.” (Wikipedia)
In October of 1998, I was a Junior in High school. I remember this very acutely. I was crying as I heard them talk about it on the radio. As a gay man, I can easily see myself in the same place as Matt. I was already afraid to be openly myself, not just because I’m gay, for other minority reasons. This event struck me. My fears were now acute and more absolute. From this deep fear came resentment, loathing, anger, and fury. All I wanted to do was to hurt anyone who felt the same way as Matt’s torturers. Unfortunately I became so afraid that I started to fear all heterosexual men. It’s only been in the past decade or so that I was ok being around all men, in general. Having your relationship partially acknowledged helps. But it will never be better until we recognize and stop heterocentrism.

Why police need to wear body cameras.

Police are the arbiters of the law. They alone have the power to take away one’s Life, Liberty, and Property. They not only should be held at a higher standard, they must be held at a higher standard. With great power comes great responsibility, and these incidents have shown that many police (not all) have lost sight of that responsibility and have squandered their power. Those examples have shown that only through immutable oversight of the public can the police be trusted again.

Clear Sky, 31°C

Conestoga Township, PA, USA

I I just blew up on Facebook. To everyone. Intentionally.

Quote of the day
Not directly related to any one but to all

I suppose that I just gave you an out. Need to stop giving people the answers to my questions so that they then answer comfortably instead of honestly.
-Ari Callum Quinlan (PJB).

I’m tired of just being there because I’m convenient or our of obligation. I’m tired of not existing until something that I know is needed. I’m SICK and tired of only hearing about my "bad" or as I’d prefer say "uncomfortable" traits. Truth is uncomfortable and even painful, but it is ultimately freeing. However the caveat is that, regardless of the necessity of truth to be exposed, there will always be a penalty incurred by you from the recipient of said "truth." Don’t expect to be honest and not get backlash. If you think you can or are entitled to be a truthsayer and feel like you’re immune to any reporcussions to yourself? Then I recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in Narcissistic Personalities. Because feeling entitled to do anything you want, without reprisal, and further that your way is the only way, you might be a narcissist. I’d be surprised if anyone who reads this does not have some sort of mental illness. If you don’t, you’re in fucking denial, also might be a narcissist, or just continuing to perpetrate the irrational stigma against mental illness.

I AM DISABLED! I don’t give a fuck how much you refuse to accept that or try to reason it away or shame me in saying that I’m on too much drugs for my age or worst is that I shouldn’t have all those problems at my age.

You can either make an effort to talk to me about it, better read about it, or fuck off because obviously you don’t care enough for you to have any consern over me. One can never understand something until one understands something.

If you’re going to in any way down play my illness, as my mom always said "stop making mountains out of molehills" She’s correct in the right situation, but those weren’t them. This is also not meant as an indictment against my parents, siblings, childhood, or any family. But this is also not venting. Which to me is letting out what’s upsetting you but ultimately it’s ignored.

I’m disgusted by people who are offended or insulted because I am more intelligent than they are. You tell me, "I don’t understand, and leave it at they." They why the fuck bother. Have you ever thought that, well since Phil’s written it and felt a need to share it with me that maybe he can explain it. And what fucking pisses me off is those of you who don’t even think "maybe I could learn something or maybe he wants me to learn something" and follow that up with some semblance of an effort to educate yourselves. But you all have lives to live that I’m not even a Kuiper Belt object in. And obviously you’d all rather live in your blissful ignorance that nothing is ever wrong and anything that is will blow over.

Here’s a rude awakening. I was born with a rewired brain because of the Bipolar disorder. If you actually care, which I strongly doubt, the specific disorders I have are as follows: Bipolar type 2 AKA Bipolar Depression, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic disorder, chronic insomnia, sinus tachycardia, familial hyperlibidemia, status post splenectomy, Severe GERD, and that’s pretty much the most important ones. And yes ALL of these corresponding medications ARE LIFE SUSTAINING!! Without them I truly wouldn’t be able to function in ANY constructive way in society. That should make you Elephant Asses happy, they make me able to contribute to society, we just don’t have to pay them as well, if at all.

And before I hear any bullshit, and that’s exactly what it is. I don’t want to hear/read that we all go through this. Bull shit you do. Have you once tried living and filling my shoes? I can say that none have you asked me so why should I believe that you have in your head. All I ever hear is judgements, things that I could have done better, things that I shouldn’t have done. Shove it. If I’m enraged enough to be quiet then the absolute LAST thing you want to do is to point out my faults. For better or for worse. The road to Hell was paved with good intentions. Your intentions don’t matter, your actions do. A very Catholic sentiment considering it was taught to me by a Satanist. Your words feel good in the temporary, but when they’re later followed by NO action, then your words are superfluous. If you love me, then love me, and be fucking open with it. More than words. All of your words once helped but now they’ve just caused me to grow more bitter and apathetic. No action no proof. I’m not giving any of you the answers to give you an easy out. It’s up to you to determine what you want me in your life for. Because right now it doesn’t seem promising. And "it goes both ways" or "you can always call me" are also excuses in my mind. Because that says to me that I’m never on your mind enough to call or that I’m not important enough for even a thought let alone a call.

Also, I don’t want to hear, at all, that this isn’t the place or that it’s too public. First of all, I’ve been telling you all that since before Facebook. So don’t try that bullshit on me again. And as for this not being the place……… DOESN’T THAT MEAN THAT YOU’RE THE EMBARRASSED ONE! That’s on you. I’ve tried to care and I’ve listend and counseled most of you without judgement or reprise. But when I want to talk about me… Hell hath no fury. Because how dare I make it all about me. FUCK YOU have you ever considered that that’s my way of relating to you (the only way possible) or that the issue isn’t one sided? Or maybe that mine aren’t quite as petty. I’m done being nice by the way.

There’s a strong chance that I’m more intelligent than 90% of you and that’s me being gracious, number is probably higher. And while I might be respected for it, I never hear it. As far as I’m concerned all I ever hear is how my traits or actions are bad or wrong or harmful. But the amount of compliments I’ve gotten about myself pales in comparison. Maybe a ratio on 1:9999. Exaggerated of course, but makes the point. If you have "constructive" criticism then make it but be mindful of how you say it. As both of my parents always said "It’s not what you say it’s how you say it." Wiser words were seldom spoken.

So right now. I don’t give a fuck how you feel because I’m not talking about you. Forcing me to consider how you feel, in this instance, is akin to you making it all about you. How does that feel? I’m not an uncaring individual, for those who have made the effort to know me, at least in part, might (not even going to bother with should) realize that this is extremely out of character and that I’m actually a very compassionate and empathic person. Consider that as something you might lose forever, or at least until you realize that your universe doesn’t revolve around yourself.

And don’t ask what happened because this is shit that’s been in my brain since I can remember. My intelligence intimidates or makes people hate or judge me. Being Gay (an intrauterine genetic mutation) frightens people, makes them hate me, shun me, uncomfortable around me, ignorant, or just plain want to kill me. And that’s not considering the ignorance in the medical field, about LGBTIQ health issues, or many other things (an occupation that should be ruled by science and not anecdote). Oh, and being Neo-Pagans, that has been universally ignored by everyone of blood relation with only two exceptions (three more recently) Mi Nonna, who while didn’t fully understand, was still willing to try and had discourse on, Michelle Bialor who is the only one that I know of to have taken the initiative to actually do some reading on my faith. More recently Greg Bialor and I spoke somewhat about it.

News Flash: Sex, Politics, and Religion are all bullshit taboos and all three are taboos that I ENCOURAGE to be spoken about. Don’t you dare impose your will on mine without being willing to compromise.

I think I’m done.

Let’s see who reads it… "likes" it…. Comments… or Private messages me. (ranked in ascending by weight.)

One last point. This is NOT an indictment on ME. It’s an indictment on every one of you. I don’t disclaim my mistakes. But this is about yours. Not mine. And if I lose people who can’t handle being it given back…. well consequences.

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In response to an article on the insolvency of Social Security on Countable

As written to my congresspeople:

My mother was born in 1953. My father in 1955. I was born in 1982. My sisters in 1976 and 1985. My brothers in 1983 and 1988. That’s excluding my two nephews and four nieces. Minimum wage hasn’t been relevant to current day costs of living for decades. Jobs are harder to find. Employers more demanding. Employees more disposable. Unemployment numbers are looked at with scrutiny while underemployment is virtually ignored. One of the primary safety nets put in place to avoid the horrors of the Great Depression, Social Security, forced past a complicit congress by a prescient President Franklin D. Roosevelt. The same president that was elected to four consecutive terms. The only president in American history to be elected to more than two terms prior to term limits. Is now insolvent. Consider the name of this program: Social Security. What does it mean? Precisely what it’s named. A program to provide security to society. All able bodies are meant to pay into it through income taxes. All citizens are potentially eligible for this program. Yet you have the gall to allow an income ceiling exist that exempts the ones most able to pay into the system from paying into the system. And yet these exempted citizens are still potentially able to collect from a system that they did not contribute to. And to add insult to injury, you allow a tax code to exist that makes recepients pay income taxes on their benefits. Any extra income that these recepients have should either be irrelevant or they should not receive benefits. But to force the elderly and disabled eliminate their savings needlessly, for a pittance is criminal. Actually, it’s extortion. Just because it’s being committed by the government doesn’t eliminate the guilt and contempt. The fact that you might or might not have had a hand in the actual writing or passing of these codes is irrelevant. As a member of congress you are complicit. Fix this immediately or you will be removed from your illbegotten power. You are servants of the people, not servants of yourselves.