Broken Clouds, 70°F
Speaking to Donna on Facebook Messenger:
I’ve just been thinking that Stehman’s parents don’t personally like me. And especially since Phil (Stehman’s brother, the younger of the two) has gotten married. Yet originally, Nikki was awesome and really did a lot to bring the whole family back together. She’s the reason why I felt comfortable referring to Stehman’s parents as Mom and Dad. They always seem to respond better to it when I refer you them like that. But ever since Charlottesville and the fucking blow up that happened with Phil, Nikki and her best friend Karl, which was for the most part 3:1. I just feel more distant. I probably just need to talk to Nikki in private. I’ve always felt closer to her and to a lesser extent, Mom. Even though I asked Nikki if we were OK, her and I. And she said we were OK. But just something about how she wrote it made me doubt her words. But the four of them are doing stuff together. And that in itself doesn’t bother me, but the blatant favoritism (even if it is unintended) really angers me, and hurts, and makes me extremely jealous. But the anger isn’t about how I feel, it’s proxy for my defense of Stehman. He doesn’t even notice. There is so much about his family that I just don’t understand, that is just so alien and anathema to me and my family, or even to my upbringing. And so many assumptions. Too little effort. Too little communication. Part of the reason why Nikki has been such an awesome addition. And it hasn’t been for a lack of some effort on my part. I’ve asked and asked if they want help doing something or another and either they’re already done or say that they don’t need help. I always then ask that if they need help to ask me and that if it was something specific to just grab me. I’ve asked mom multiple times if she could teach me canning and she’s so far done a few projects but never a word to me. And I asked dad, maybe a year or two after I moved in, if he would teach me to use a gun. He looked at me suspiciously and asked why. My only response was that I’ve always wanted to learn. That wasn’t good even. Though after Sandy Hook, I told both mon and dad that due to my mental illness I am voluntarily avoiding any firearms. I told dad that I don’t want to know where any of his guns are and if he could keep them locked up. He said that he wouldn’t tell me anyway… (added later outside the conversation) But this is an issue I’ve had time and time again. People having expectations of me but never telling me what they are or how they want is, assuming that their way is the only possible way to do things and every other way is wrong. And in addition to said expectations, it’s expected that if a project needs done that I should just immediately drop everything and contribute, but that’s not how my mind works. If someone is doing a project then I don’t want to interfere with their project unless they ask me for help, which never happens. It’s just expected to jump right in, that I should know when and that the help is needed. And the phrase that sums it all up is, "I shouldn’t have to ask!" My response, in my head is that that assumption, and it is an assumption, isn’t how everyone functions and to believe so is simply selfish and narrow-minded. Of course I can never say this because it would either jeopardize my livelihood or my housing. So my anger, worry, panic, paranoia grows. While their mind becomes set that I am a certain way that has no, or little, truth to how and who I am. And rather than communicate or question or think that maybe all people don’t think the same, regardless of how many do. They set this misconception in stone and their resentment fester and grows all based upon a one dimensional assumption and misconception. The whole person is judged by a single negative act that may have a perfectly reasonable cause.