My Inner Pain

I’m Gay, and I was cut as an infant. My partner was left intact. We’ve not been intimate for a few years, but for other reasons. I also have that inferiority when I see an intact man. I feel like I obsess about it or that’s how I’m treated. I’ve never really found anyone who is supportive of how I feel. My partner says that he doesn’t understand what the big deal is for me. Luckily he said that he would never get cut. I used to panic any time he went to the doctor because I was afraid that they might con him into getting cut. When I tell him that he should be proud of being intact, he just said that it is what it is. Everywhere I express how I feel, how much mental anguish I have. It’s like having PTSD without remembering the exact event. Additionally, I recently found out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is caused by an Attachment Trauma. I firmly feel that the first attachment trauma that I had was being cut. Luckily, my French-Canadian therapist agreed. But it’s this awful self hatred and loathing, and I am restoring, but to me, it doesn’t take away the pain, it just reminds me of how flawed I now am. But normally, anyone I mention my feelings to either minimizes it or Gaslights me (makes it that I’m the one who’s wrong), which just deepens my self-loathing and also makes me feel more isolated. I truly hate being American, if only for this one reason. I’m sorry guys if my post is a real downer, but for me, it’s the truth, it’s my truth. 

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