Deus Ex and Ghost in the Shell

Something that I posted on Reddit. 

Deus Ex and Ghost in the Shell

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Scattered Clouds, 88°F

Home Actual, Stehman-Schenck Farmstead, Conestoga Township, Lancaster, PA, US

So I’ve been depressed today, on Father’s Day. Which makes me feel worse because I am also castigating myself for, in my mind, taking the focus away from Stehman’s and my Fathers. So here is a direct quote of a conversation with an innermost friend explaining "what was wrong" with today:

"Father’s day, which isn’t a huge issue on my family’s side, per se, just that my dad is so far away (he’s currently living in Florence, SC). But more an issue with Stehman’s family. I keep feeling that his dad really doesn’t like me. And that I’m really just a proxy for Stehman, so it’s not really me that’s wanted around, I’m just tolerated because I represent Stehman.

It’s also difficult when Stehman doesn’t really have a relationship with any of his family. At least not that I can see. I mean, I’m there when they ask where Stehman is and I can explain why he disappeared. But no one is there to do the same for me. To speak for me like I do for Stehman.

And I get kinda jealous also, because I know that Stehman’s brother and his wife have way more in common with Stehman’s parents than we do. But they also don’t do a lot to include us either.

Even for the wedding, I was really just an afterthought. I know that some of what I’m feeling is the BPD, and I try to be conscious of the fact that I’m making things personal that aren’t. But on the other hand, I also can’t believe that all of my perceptions are wrong.

I always felt that Phil (Stehman’s brother) was always favored by his parents over Stehman. Some of that probably is shared interest. But again, I ask, how much effort have his parents made to include Stehman (and by extension, me). I know that if I said something to them about their not making an effort, they’d probably say that they would figure that if he (or I) were interested, then he would have shown an interest.

Also, this perceived favoritism, I know, is more of a concern to me than to Stehman. But I don’t know if that is just that Stehman hasn’t, or isn’t able to, process it; or if it truly isn’t a concern for him.

And on the issue of Stehman speaking for me, as well as him being present with his family and including me rather than me being a proxy. He said that he just doesn’t have the energy to process and understand any of it.

Oh, and I forgot, the whole trigger is that Stehman’s dad unfriended me on Facebook, which I was reminded of when I went to tag him (and my dad) on a happy father’s day post."

Sorry for the direct stream of thought.

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My Inner Pain

I’m Gay, and I was cut as an infant. My partner was left intact. We’ve not been intimate for a few years, but for other reasons. I also have that inferiority when I see an intact man. I feel like I obsess about it or that’s how I’m treated. I’ve never really found anyone who is supportive of how I feel. My partner says that he doesn’t understand what the big deal is for me. Luckily he said that he would never get cut. I used to panic any time he went to the doctor because I was afraid that they might con him into getting cut. When I tell him that he should be proud of being intact, he just said that it is what it is. Everywhere I express how I feel, how much mental anguish I have. It’s like having PTSD without remembering the exact event. Additionally, I recently found out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is caused by an Attachment Trauma. I firmly feel that the first attachment trauma that I had was being cut. Luckily, my French-Canadian therapist agreed. But it’s this awful self hatred and loathing, and I am restoring, but to me, it doesn’t take away the pain, it just reminds me of how flawed I now am. But normally, anyone I mention my feelings to either minimizes it or Gaslights me (makes it that I’m the one who’s wrong), which just deepens my self-loathing and also makes me feel more isolated. I truly hate being American, if only for this one reason. I’m sorry guys if my post is a real downer, but for me, it’s the truth, it’s my truth. 

Fog, 64°F

Home Actual, Stehman-Schenck Farmstead, Conestoga Township, Lancaster, PA, US

I’m Gay, and I was cut as an infant. My partner was left intact. We’ve not been intimate for a few years, but for other reasons. I also have that inferiority when I see an intact man. I feel like I obsess about it or that’s how I’m treated. I’ve never really found anyone who is supportive of how I feel. My partner says that he doesn’t understand what the big deal is for me. Luckily he said that he would never get cut. I used to panic any time he went to the doctor because I was afraid that they might con him into getting cut. When I tell him that he should be proud of being intact, he just said that it is what it is. Everywhere I express how I feel, how much mental anguish I have. It’s like having PTSD without remembering the exact event. Additionally, I recently found out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is caused by an Attachment Trauma. I firmly feel that the first attachment trauma that I had was being cut. Luckily, my French-Canadian therapist agreed. But it’s this awful self hatred and loathing, and I am restoring, but to me, it doesn’t take away the pain, it just reminds me of how flawed I now am. But normally, anyone I mention my feelings to either minimizes it or Gaslights me (makes it that I’m the one who’s wrong), which just deepens my self-loathing and also makes me feel more isolated. I truly hate being American, if only for this one reason. I’m sorry guys if my post is a real downer, but for me, it’s the truth.

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