I’m still mourning

Was cut very tight as an infant. Growing up, erections were painful. Still feel betrayed by parents and don’t forgive them for their lack of remorse, but no longer blame them for their ignorance. Hate and do not trust the American medical establishment. Unless I know that my doctor is anti cutting, I don’t trust them. That basically means that I don’t trust doctors by default. I get nothing but grief from any who I confide my feelings in. I’m treated as if I have no right to feel the way that I do. My intact partner doesn’t understand why I feel the way that I do, he’s not even Sympathetic. My best friend can’t seem to stop defending my parents’ ignorance, basically saying that it was the times, even though she denies that argument. My therapist, who is French Canadian, was as Sympathetic as she could be, but even she doesn’t know how to help me. To her credit, she did help me realize that I’m mourning the loss of a part of myself. But she can’t seem to help me beyond that. She recommended that I seek help from guys of similar feelings like here. I just feel so broken. Even though it probably never entered their minds, I still feel like I wasn’t good enough for my parents the way that I was born, that it required them to alter my body and without my consent. I don’t have the courage to directly confront them with my feelings, honestly, I’m frightened of their response. I know that my family knows clearly how I feel, I post enough Intactivist posts, even making general comments condemning parents, but never specific enough to tag my parents or any member of my family. They just don’t care that they’ve destroyed my body image. What’s worse is that, even though my generation is blatantly refusing to cut their sons at record numbers (for Americans), the medical establishment maintains their support, even proselytizing their lies to other countries. It not only makes me hate my own body, and make me deliriously jealous of intact men, but makes me absolutely hate being American. Going so far as to refer to any intact American as the fortunate few with parents who aren’t downright brain dead. Furthermore, I refer to any man who is born in a nation where cutting is almost unheard of or even illegal, as worthy of near worship and profess my jealousy to them. Am I so horrible to be so self loathing, to even regard my whole nationality as something with no value other than shame? What’s brought even greater anguish to me is finding out that even though my partner is intact, that his brother was not left as such. So now, the in laws that I once regarded as of superior intelligence and insight, I almost feel betrayed by as well. What’s more is that now I regard my partner being intact as being far more precious and rare, and because of his lack of pride in his superior body, I feel even more need to protect his body. Even after him telling me that he would never have himself cut for any reason, I still feel uneasy. These are just some of what goes on in my head surrounding my loss. My mind is a cacophony of emotions.


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